When I was growing up, I never wanted kids. I thought I would be the fun aunty who traveled around the world, taking lovers in different countries, then finally settling down to take care of my little brother who has Down syndrome and autism. My oh my! If I told you the vision I had!!
However, I fell in love with a guy from high school and after not dating for less than 3 weeks, I left to Georgia for 19 days (this was our first time apart since reconnecting). I came home to him asking my mother permission to marry me! This crazy man altered every plan I ever made for myself.
When we first got married on May 23, 2021, we decided we would wait 5 years before we started to have kids. But my grandfather passed away in September of this year and our perceptions changed. We realized we were both over 30. Which meant that even if we were to get pregnant today, we would be damn near 50 when our kid graduated from high school!! So waiting 5 years, we would be over 55.
HELL NO! Birth control was taken out mid October.
This is when the Struggle begins! I told myself (and my Cousin Bestie: CB for short) that I wouldn’t stress about getting pregnant. I told her:
That I won't stress if I get a period which meant I wasn't pregnant
That I wouldn't track my periods (and sex)
That I wouldn't overthink everything
And guess how many of these things I have been able to do successfully? ABSOLUTELY NONE!
Every period I have gotten since taking out my birth control has put me in a real depression which last the entire period. I have downloaded an app and have tracked every period and sex my husband and I have engaged in. Lastly, all I do is think. I think about the things I want for my baby. What color nursery I want and everything I want to put inside of it. I think about the fact that I may not ever get pregnant, I think about all the women in the world who are getting pregnant without trying. All these thoughts...always on my mind...driving me crazy.
Driving me to be afraid to have sex sometimes because if I don't have sex, at least I know why I am not pregnant. Between us, since I have taken out my birth control in October, I have taken 5 pregnancy tests...obviously for no reason other than to torture myself.
This baby struggle is disrespectful.