You know one New Year cliche I absolutely hate? "New Year, New Me!"
Who wants to be new? Well, I say, "I love me some me. I don't want a new me. I want the same me to just be a little bit better every day". Now I know that I am far from perfect and I am sure my husband can go on and on about all of my imperfect habits. But every experience I have had made me into the Wifey D I am today. For that, I am grateful.
I believe everything happens for a reason. This includes the "bad" things or things we may not agree with. God is in control, and I have to believe and trust that he knows what he is doing. But being pregnant, I am now surrounded by:
stories from family members about miscarriages and difficult births
the constant fear that one of these times when I go pee I will find blood
Now I decided when I started this blog that this was about/for me. So I am going to stay being myself, and more importantly, honest with myself. Being pregnant is absolutely terrifying. The fact that the human population has survived is AMAZING.
The act of being pregnant and pushing a baby out of you is complex and complicated and so many things could go wrong, As part of our "getting ready for a baby", my husband and I are reading a book every Sunday morning that tells you about what developments are happening with the baby and my body. Well, this week's topic was ectopic pregnancy. This is when the fertilized egg grows in an abnormal location. So of course after reading the symptoms of ectopic pregnancy, my body starts to feel like I have every last one.
On top of that, I have had loved ones tell me about how they have had miscarriages. I even know a husband and wife that carried full term to now not have the daughter they planned and prepared for. my heart truly breaks just thinking about what they went through. I wonder if I am strong enough to overcome that. It's these questions, that keep me up at night. What if... Can I handle it if... Will my husband understand if.... so many ifs.
However, my first appointment is on Thursday. Now this isn't the appointment where I get to see a sonogram. Nope, this appointment is to talk to a nurse and to schedule my first prenatal appointment. (Y'all ahve got to keep up! I am only 4-5 weeks pregnant.) Now I say all this to ask y'all to keep me in your thoughts and prayers. I know I am not the only one who has gone down the thought spiral. I am thankful that I know, that without a doubt, my support system will hold me up if something was to happen just as strongly as they will love my child.
But man oh man. This struggle is real.