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It’s 3 o clock in the morning. An hour before my alarm is set to go off.  I have one thing on my mind. Earlier the day before, I saw my husband forwarding an Instagram post of a beautiful woman to someone. A picture of a woman I know I look nothing like. 
My husband (who I married on May 23, 2021) is laying next to me and so is his phone. The phone whose passcode is the same as mine. Do I dare violate the trust that we have built? My struggle becomes real. 
One minute I am in the bed, the next, I am in the bathroom with his phone in my hand. You know the saying, “when you go looking for something, you will definitely find it”. Well, I went looking. I went to Instagram and found them posts that they shared with one another. You know, the post of the beautiful women, thick women, big butts, small waisted women that I look nothing like. My tears start. 
Now I didn’t find him messaging other women or anything like that but the thoughts of “if my husband finds these women beautiful, how does he also call me beautiful?”  I leave Instagram and the next app that gets opened is iMessage. 
Once again, he’s not texting other women or anything like that but there is a contact who’s name is just “Best”. Now I have no clue who this person is and I still don’t. Nothing crazy messages or anything like that besides the one on May 21, two days before our wedding that stated “I’m not even married yet and I’m thinking about divorce”. “Best” responded with why. My husband responds saying that we aren’t even married yet and I am expecting him to spend money.  Now you may be wondering what money I was asking him to spend. Well it’s simple. I wanted him to cover up another woman’s name that he has on his shoulder. 
So here I am, sitting in my bathroom crying. What do I do next? I wipe my face and I get back in bed next to my husband. I grab my phone off the charger, put his on, and I Google “how do you know your husband loves you”. After reading too many articles, I realize I need to write how I feel. And from this thought, this blog comes to fruition. 
A place where I can share my struggle of being a new wife, my thoughts on my body, and the struggle of trying to have a baby. Hopefully sharing my struggle will help someone else not go through the same. Hope y’all enjoy but even if you don’t, I’m not doing it for the clout. I’m doing it for myself. 

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